Sarah: HIV Won't Stop Me...or Will It?

I decided to break the norm of expressing your HIV status in public, although I am not actually HIV positive.  The negative stigma associated with HIV positive people is that they are dirty, sickly, and have overall poor health. To break this norm I wear a red shirt that states “HIV +” , it is from the Iowa HIV Alliance. Before I put on the shirt I thought that it wouldn’t be a challenge and I would wear it and people would ask why. 

After I actually put the shirt it was like a wave of self consciousness came over me.  I took a deep breath and set out to the pet store with my dog. When I got there I expected to get questions about my shirt but the usual staff didn’t say anything. There was a family there and I noticed the dad read my shirt but didn’t seem changed by it and his daughter petted my dog. 

My next stop, after taking my dog home, was the grocery store. As I was walking in some guy read my shirt out loud and started talking to his friend about but I kept walking, it was mortifying! I realized that nobody was going to talk to me but it was acceptable to talk about me behind my back, I felt like an outcast. Almost everyone in the store avoided eye contact with me and others just stared right through me. I went to self checkout I was done with people being so weird and unfriendly with me.  Expressing to the public that I was HIV + was just me acting normal wearing a shirt at first, by the end of the day I felt ostracized and was ready to hide from everyone. I took off my shirt and I was normal again it was a relief. It was really a bad experience but from it I have learned that people with HIV need to be treated like everyone else, with respect and dignity.

Madison Goes Unnoticed

I thought this was an interesting way to break the norm. When our professor told us about it I was a little nervous at first. Typical thought about what my friends would say or if that would be the new rumor going around all popped into my head. I decided to do it anyways. I wasn’t going to care what anyone thought. After all, people with HIV get those looks and they absolutely can’t do anything about it.

            

I was then very excited to see what people’s reactions would be. I decided I would wear my shirt when I went out shopping all day. I figure it would get the most attention from different groups of people. At the beginning of my day I entered the gas station in my home town. Not very many people noticed, but one guy kept staring at me. I noticed him out of the corner of my eye. I then looked over at him and he gave me a nasty look. I just smiled.

            
Throughout my day I got more and more disappointed. No one really noticed my shirt. I was not getting the reactions I expected. I would even pay close attention to the cashiers face as I was handing them my money or receiving my change. I figured they would try to make as little physical contact with me as possible. But none of them noticed or cared.       

Jennifer Breaks the Norm

As I was preparing for my outing I definitely had a lot of different emotions going through my mind.  I was very curious as to how people would act and treat me; in turn that made me very anxious and nervous.   Would people think I had it even though I didn’t? I was also very excited about the challenge and felt good about contributing to the campaign which pushed me onward! 

My first encounter took place at a gas station.  As I walked up to the gas station I didn’t notice anyone outside glancing at me but the guy behind the counter saw the shirt through the window before I even opened the door.  I walked straight up to the counter instead of walking around because I wanted to continue to observe him.  My sunglasses were on so as to not give away anything with my eyes for this first encounter.  He did smile at me when the door first opened but as he continued to check my lotto tickets and prepare new ones, he was pleasant but looked down the entire time.  As I turned to go he said have a nice day in what seemed to be a very sympathetic voice but still looking down.  Coming out of the gas station, gentlemen in a SUV looked at my shirt and with no eye contact looked back down and seemed to me to be pretending to be busy.  I felt like I could now start to tell that people were uncomfortable and not sure what to do (the guy in the SUV) or uncomfortable, yet sympathetic and not worried that I had it (the cashier). 

My next stop was the grocery store.  People usually are so pleasant to me, especially during the day.  I figure this would be a great place to go because I would be around food and also since it was during the day so there would be the perfect amount of people (not to busy or to slow).  I began going up and down each and every aisle.  I had my sunglasses off this time so that people could make eye contact with me.   At first, I felt like no one was really noticing me because they were keeping to themselves and busy shopping.  Normally, I do not get meat from the counter but there was a line so I decided this might be a good opportunity for me to see how people react to me standing next to them or just being around food.    

No one walked away from me but the other women in line looked at me and my shirt, half smiled and turned back around.  The man behind the counter was extremely pleasant as I might note about all the employees there.  They were however seemingly over pleasant and helpful which I felt was a better reaction then being distant like some seemed.  One older gentleman was definitely uncomfortable and tried to stay out of my way, another I would say middle aged man went to grab milk when I did and said no you go ahead and took his hand away.  I don’t feel like he jerked his hand away as in being scared.  He was very polite but I could tell he was confused a little by my shirt.  

As I was coming out of the water isle a lady looked at my shirt, made a bit of a shocked face and completely switched direction.  I could tell she was extremely uncomfortable.  At checkout time, I decided since the older gentleman (I had ran into earlier) was at the register, I thought it would be good to see if I could get a more conclusive reaction out of him so I checked out behind him.  He looked once at me and that was it.  Kept facing forward and never said a word to me.  

The cashier however was thrilled I was wearing the shirt and said he really liked it.  I could tell I made his day!   I felt like he was either being sympathetic to me because he thought I really had it or he knew about the campaign.  He was definitely overcome with emotion which made me realize that all the stares, lack of people talking and looking at me (making me uncomfortable with breaking the norm), were worth it.  

Audrey: Being Positive in a Negative World

While looking at different ways to “break the norm”, I honestly thought this would be boring.  I saw a video on people taking up four lanes of traffic and going the speed limit, and the anger and rage it caused for just obeying the law.   I also saw a video of people who one day, went to work without pants on.  The looks and stares they got were comical.  But wearing a shirt that says HIV+, I didn’t think was that big of a deal.  

At dinner last week I told my boyfriend Casey what I was doing for class and that I was going to wear my HIV+ shirt at the Farmers Market Saturday morning in downtown Des Moines.  Note that it is a weekly tradition for me, him and my son Rylan to go to the Farmers Market Saturday mornings.  He laughed and said, “You mean you have to wear it in public?”  I responded, “Well yes, that’s the point...others people's reactions.”  He looked at me, laughed, and said, “You can go, me and Rylan will stay home.”  I took a second to process what he said, “You don’t want to go with me?”  

“Not if you are going to wear that shirt.  Besides, you can’t wear it holding Rylan.”

My eyebrows rose, and I took another second to try and let what he said sink in.  I thought to myself, “was I already getting the predicted reaction without even wearing the shirt??”   

I confronted him about his reaction, he told me “...You can’t bring Rylan, don’t make him look like an HIV+ baby, everyone will think you two are dirty.  Do you really want to subject him to that criticism?”  He continued, “And me, people will think I have it too, and think I’m gay or something.”  I was in awe he had this kind of opinion on the matter.  I have never talked to him about the subject of HIV or AIDS, but didn’t think he’d be so against a harmless shirt.  I continually argued about the situation and told him how I didn’t care what other people thought, and all I was doing was holding my son with a shirt on.  He was upset about it, and for the first time in four months me and my son went to the Farmers Market without him.  

While at the Farmers Market, I got quite a few looks and a couple double takes.  I saw a teenage girl hit her mom on the shoulder and point to me.  When they saw I looked at them they immediately looked away but were obviously talking about me.  But something I didn’t expect happened.  One of the vendors, that sold me flowers, told me she liked my shirt, and that I have guts to wear it out.  I quickly told her thank you (remembering the vow I took) and let her know how many looks I’ve gotten from it.  She told me her cousin has HIV and that her cousin would never, in her right mind, be caught wearing my shirt. After much debate at what to say back, I told her, “Well I don’t care what other people think, just trying to end the stereotypes.”  She smiled at me and after I made my purchase she asked my son if he’d like a flower.  He smiled and she gave him a daisy.  I told her thank you and that her kindness was appreciated. 

 

I wanted to leave right then, it was starting to feel like I actually did have the virus.  I felt I was judged by my boyfriend by being a bad mother, and to be honest... walking around with my son and the looks I got, the actions around me made me feel like I was actually a bad mother.  I couldn’t believe I was buying into the assumption  myself.  Why did I feel like this?  I was wearing a shirt, it didn’t change the way I parented my son, or how I disciplined him.  I loved him just the same and was bringing him to the farmers market like I always did. But then I started thinking, what if I did have HIV?  

I know many people who have gotten STD’s, and it would be just as easy getting HIV. Same action, just a different...more unlucky outcome.  Everyone has deep dark secrets, but very few are forced to confess and outwardly live with it.  If I did have the virus , it wouldn’t change anything about me, except now I know that I definitely wouldn’t have a boyfriend.  But most importantly, me and my son would have the same relationship.  It was not valid for me to buy into other peoples reactions. Everyone has a secret and that day, being HIV+, I was being confident enough to put mine smack dab on my shirt for the world to see.  Did no one see the liberation of that?  That I didn’t care enough to wear a shirt that said it?  I was confident and happy, shouldn’t they be happy for me? 

I remained at the Farmers Market for another hour and a half and got a more looks and double takes, but nothing like the negative one I got from my boyfriend and the positive one I got from the flower lady.  

That morning I felt like I was Hester Prynne from the Scarlet Letter , the shirt being my “A” and I literally was holding my child in my arms just like she was in the book.  I was being judged negatively, and whispered about for sure as well.  I felt embarrassed most of the time that morning.  Even though I was confident days prior, during the time I wore it I really was afraid of what people were thinking. I called up my friend on the way home to tell her what I did and she, being a nurse, was proud of me.  She told me “The world can be so negative” and that’s when I thought of my title, Being “Positive” in a Negative World.  

To those living with HIV and AIDS, my heart goes out to you. I will tell you, you have one less critic and have gained a supporter.  The world around you is unsympathetic and judgmental but please...keep being “positive” :)

Jason: HIV is not a Joke

I decided to break the norm of expressing myself as an HIV+ individual for a day. The stigma in the United States of expressing your disease status is not one that is most commonly done. It was a very interesting day to say the least and below is an explanation of what all occurred.

            

After putting on the shirt I knew I was in for some serious attention. I will be honest I was nervous breaking this kind of norm. Not only for the comments that I was going to endure but the association that people might think I actually am HIV+.  My concern for the norm-breaking day was for myself. Would others verbally attack me on the streets? How would I explain myself to others who ask questions?

            

My Aunt/Uncle were the first people to see me where my red shirt with the bold type face of HIV+ glaring across my chest. They both just stopped and stared at me as I walked down the steps. It was as if I was breaking the rules of living inside their house. I told them upfront that this was for an HIV Stigma Campaign but they still didn’t approve. They did not want me to portray myself like this to others in the neighborhood.

            

I proceed to head over to the West Des Moines Super Target to see what kind of reactions I would get. This was actually a planned visit to get some supplies. So I wasn’t trying to act out of the ordinary by showing off my shirt. The first person to look at me with disgust was three women in their mid 60’s walking out of the store. I turned around to see if the were still staring and of course they were. They were shaking their heads at me as well. It’s hard to explain the emotions I had from this. It’s as if I was an outcast and I felt embarrassment for even wearing the shirt. I tried to display a smile to them but they were having none of it. While in the store no one really showed any concern to me other than the checkout guy. His comment, “is that shirt a joke?” was an interesting comment to me. I proceeded to explain the assignment to him. I though it was interesting how a guy around the age of 25 thought of it as a joke and people in their mid 60’s think of it as a disgrace. This ended up being the only true interaction I had with individuals in which I didn’t know.

            

It was a good feeling getting to take off the shirt at the end of they day. I felt less “hated” by the public around me then when I had it on. Breaking a social stigma is awkward in itself but seeing everyone’s reaction was worth the day in the shirt. It was difficult to not explain my assignment to the older ladies at the Target. I wanted to tell the desperately that it wasn’t true!

            

I feel this is a great Campaign and doing it made me realize that becoming infected with HIV is a serious matter. Your support system is huge, and becoming affected can damage the respect you get from others.  

Ali's Walk at Drake University

Society.  What comes to most people’s minds when they hear this word?  Everyone’s opinion is different, but to me, the word can mean a lot of different things.  Whenever I think of society as a whole, I think of the people around me and who I react with.  The people who help shape who I am and how I feel when I am out in public.  Some feelings I can get from people of society may be good or bad.  Usually good comes with society interactions, but I decided to break a norm that most people wouldn’t even think about doing.  Proclaiming you have an STD.  Most people would never admit to having HIV/AIDS to the public, but I did even though I do not have this sexually transmitted disease.  I had quite the experience doing this I must say.

            

I decided to wear a red shirt saying “HIV+” on the front of it so I made it loud and clear to people what I was trying to show.  Instead of just walking around a few people or a small group, I decided to go to Drake University to see what kind of reactions I could get.  I chose a university because I felt the people there would have a more distinct reaction considering the fact the students there are more my age.

            

Walking around the campus for the first hour was absolutely terrifying.  I honestly thought it wasn’t going to be that bad, but right when I stepped out of my car I felt immediately uncomfortable.  Three girls who were sitting at the coffee shop right next to me looked at me like I was some kind of disgusting animal.  Soon after I walked away, I could hear them talking about my shirt and why I would ever wear such a thing out in public. My confidence was already heading downhill from there.  I walked around like I didn’t belong in the community and that everyone thought I was a freak.  It sure didn’t feel good.  A guy who looked about 30, who I’m assuming was a professor at the university, even looked at me strange for a solid minute at the Drake bookstore.  To me, I felt so unwanted.  Even a respectable and nice looking man was glaring at me like I had done something terribly wrong.  I wanted to tell him so bad that I really didn’t have HIV and that I was doing this for a school project, but I know I couldn’t.  I just had to resist the urge. 

            

After getting home and being able to take my shirt off, I felt a sense of sadness and guilt.  I felt these emotions because I now realize how hard it must be to walk around actually having HIV and not being able to do anything about it.  Society really does have an huge impact on everyone, no matter what your status is.

Abby Felt Trapped

I began my day wearing my HIV positive t-shirt and I had very long day of shopping ahead of me. I was starting to get nervous because I didn’t know what people would think of me and what they would say to me. What would they be thinking in their head if they didn’t say anything? I mean I was going out in public presenting the most private information a person could ever display.

            

Once I was leaving Drake West Village I was already getting looks from students. So I thought to myself, “Wow this is going to be a long day, I can just picture what other people will be looking at me like.” Finally I got to the mall and I was walking in and was already getting stares from all kinds of people. I felt as if I was trapped and could not go anywhere where people would leave me along and stop looking at me differently. I finally get into the mall, and my first stop is Scheels. Nobody has said anything to me yet they just all keep looking at me and down at my shirt. I walked around very casually and everywhere I went just felt as if I could not get away from all the people looking at me. In the end nobody ever approached me to ask about my shirt. They just all looked at me funny and kind of make smirks at me. It didn’t matter the type of person they all stared at me and gave me looks. Doing this stigma was difficult for me to do because I am not a person who likes to have all eyes on me. These kinds of eyes looking at me are judging me and giving me nasty looks. So it was hard to do and I didn’t know how to react.

                        

This over all experience was a good experience because I found that we as people don’t pay attention to other people unless something is wrong with them or there is something out of the normal about them. I also see the fear of people coming out saying they have HIV because of how people will react to them having the disease. I know for me it felt good to take that shirt off at the end of the day and not have to worry about any more people looking at me but in reality with them they can’t just take their shirt off at the end of the day. They have to deal with it their rest of their life and overcome the obstacles. This was an eye opening experience for me and I’m glad I was a part of it.