Audrey: Being Positive in a Negative World

While looking at different ways to “break the norm”, I honestly thought this would be boring.  I saw a video on people taking up four lanes of traffic and going the speed limit, and the anger and rage it caused for just obeying the law.   I also saw a video of people who one day, went to work without pants on.  The looks and stares they got were comical.  But wearing a shirt that says HIV+, I didn’t think was that big of a deal.  

At dinner last week I told my boyfriend Casey what I was doing for class and that I was going to wear my HIV+ shirt at the Farmers Market Saturday morning in downtown Des Moines.  Note that it is a weekly tradition for me, him and my son Rylan to go to the Farmers Market Saturday mornings.  He laughed and said, “You mean you have to wear it in public?”  I responded, “Well yes, that’s the point...others people's reactions.”  He looked at me, laughed, and said, “You can go, me and Rylan will stay home.”  I took a second to process what he said, “You don’t want to go with me?”  

“Not if you are going to wear that shirt.  Besides, you can’t wear it holding Rylan.”

My eyebrows rose, and I took another second to try and let what he said sink in.  I thought to myself, “was I already getting the predicted reaction without even wearing the shirt??”   

I confronted him about his reaction, he told me “...You can’t bring Rylan, don’t make him look like an HIV+ baby, everyone will think you two are dirty.  Do you really want to subject him to that criticism?”  He continued, “And me, people will think I have it too, and think I’m gay or something.”  I was in awe he had this kind of opinion on the matter.  I have never talked to him about the subject of HIV or AIDS, but didn’t think he’d be so against a harmless shirt.  I continually argued about the situation and told him how I didn’t care what other people thought, and all I was doing was holding my son with a shirt on.  He was upset about it, and for the first time in four months me and my son went to the Farmers Market without him.  

While at the Farmers Market, I got quite a few looks and a couple double takes.  I saw a teenage girl hit her mom on the shoulder and point to me.  When they saw I looked at them they immediately looked away but were obviously talking about me.  But something I didn’t expect happened.  One of the vendors, that sold me flowers, told me she liked my shirt, and that I have guts to wear it out.  I quickly told her thank you (remembering the vow I took) and let her know how many looks I’ve gotten from it.  She told me her cousin has HIV and that her cousin would never, in her right mind, be caught wearing my shirt. After much debate at what to say back, I told her, “Well I don’t care what other people think, just trying to end the stereotypes.”  She smiled at me and after I made my purchase she asked my son if he’d like a flower.  He smiled and she gave him a daisy.  I told her thank you and that her kindness was appreciated. 

 

I wanted to leave right then, it was starting to feel like I actually did have the virus.  I felt I was judged by my boyfriend by being a bad mother, and to be honest... walking around with my son and the looks I got, the actions around me made me feel like I was actually a bad mother.  I couldn’t believe I was buying into the assumption  myself.  Why did I feel like this?  I was wearing a shirt, it didn’t change the way I parented my son, or how I disciplined him.  I loved him just the same and was bringing him to the farmers market like I always did. But then I started thinking, what if I did have HIV?  

I know many people who have gotten STD’s, and it would be just as easy getting HIV. Same action, just a different...more unlucky outcome.  Everyone has deep dark secrets, but very few are forced to confess and outwardly live with it.  If I did have the virus , it wouldn’t change anything about me, except now I know that I definitely wouldn’t have a boyfriend.  But most importantly, me and my son would have the same relationship.  It was not valid for me to buy into other peoples reactions. Everyone has a secret and that day, being HIV+, I was being confident enough to put mine smack dab on my shirt for the world to see.  Did no one see the liberation of that?  That I didn’t care enough to wear a shirt that said it?  I was confident and happy, shouldn’t they be happy for me? 

I remained at the Farmers Market for another hour and a half and got a more looks and double takes, but nothing like the negative one I got from my boyfriend and the positive one I got from the flower lady.  

That morning I felt like I was Hester Prynne from the Scarlet Letter , the shirt being my “A” and I literally was holding my child in my arms just like she was in the book.  I was being judged negatively, and whispered about for sure as well.  I felt embarrassed most of the time that morning.  Even though I was confident days prior, during the time I wore it I really was afraid of what people were thinking. I called up my friend on the way home to tell her what I did and she, being a nurse, was proud of me.  She told me “The world can be so negative” and that’s when I thought of my title, Being “Positive” in a Negative World.  

To those living with HIV and AIDS, my heart goes out to you. I will tell you, you have one less critic and have gained a supporter.  The world around you is unsympathetic and judgmental but please...keep being “positive” :)